Trio: The Musical
by Selena
Summary: The real story behind Once More, With Feeling. Starring everyone's favourite three geeks.


Disclaimer: Warren, Jonathan and Andrew belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, not us. We're not making any money out of this production.  
  
Disclaimer #2: The original music doesn't belong to us, either, but to a bunch of people credited more fully after the show. We also ripped of Goethe while we were at it.  
  
Disclaimer #3: Andraste blames Selena. Selena blames Andraste.  
  
Trio: The Musical  
  
By Andraste and Selena  
  
Starring (In Alphabetical Order): Jonathan Levinson, Warren Meers and Andrew Wells.  
  
With Special Guest Appearance By: Xander Harris.  
  
[We begin our tale one dark night in Sunnydale. A figure, hooded and robed,  
  
is standing in a circle outlined on a patch of grass in some mysterious  
  
blood-coloured fluid, holding an object recognisable as the pendant used to  
  
summon the demon Mr. Sweet. He's chanting in a low voice and questionable  
  
German accent.]  
  
Du mußt verstehn!  
  
Aus Eins mach Zehn,  
  
Und Zwei laß gehn,  
  
Und Drei mach gleich,  
  
So bist du reich.  
  
Verlier die Vier!  
  
Aus Fünf und Sechs,  
  
So sagt die Hex,  
  
Mach Sieben und Acht,  
  
So ist's vollbracht:  
  
Und Neun ist Eins,  
  
Und Zehn ist keins.  
  
Das ist das Hexen-Einmaleins!  
  
[After the last line, the figure leaps out of the circle with an alarmed  
  
shout, just as it catches fire beneath him. Andrew throws back his hood and  
  
looks around expectantly for the demon. There isn't one.]  
  
Andrew: Crap. [He looks down, and notices that the grass within the  
  
summoning circle has been incinerated]. Double crap! Warren will kill me if  
  
he finds out I wrecked his mom's lawn for nothing!  
  
[He quickly grabs a flowerpot and places it over the burn mark, which  
  
doesn't do much to hide it. Despondent, he takes of his robe and begins  
  
shoving his summoning equipment into a somewhat battered gym bag. The  
  
pendant, however, he puts into his jacket pocket. As he does this, he starts  
  
humming to himself, and then singing.]  
  
ANDREW:  
  
High heels on Scully and leather on Crichton  
  
Movies so scary I sleep with the light on  
  
Cool toys that talk when you pull on their strings  
  
These are a few of my favorite things!  
  
Special editions with holofoil covers  
  
Fanfic where Garak and Bashir are lovers  
  
Panpipes for summoning monkeys with wings  
  
These are a few of my favorite things!  
  
Jedi with sabres and troopers with ray guns  
  
Unicorns frolicking under the bright sun  
  
Musical spells that make everyone sing -  
  
These are a few of my favorite things!  
  
When the world sucks  
  
When the words sting  
  
When I'm feeling sad  
  
I simply remember my favorite things  
  
And then I don't feel so bad!  
  
Andrew: Huh. That was ... odd. [He glances around again.] Still no  
  
demon. Guess it must have been a residual effect of the spell.  
  
***  
  
[The lair, the next evening.]  
  
Jonathan: So, what have we got planned today?  
  
Andrew: Nothing. [sighing] Like every night.  
  
Jonathan: You know, it has been a while since we had a scheme in  
  
progress ...  
  
Warren: Give it time, young Padawan. I've got a few things in the  
  
works. Great evil requires great patience.  
  
Andrew: So what do you guys wanna do tonight?  
  
Warren: Frankly, my brain could use a break from gaming, and I think  
  
we've already ODed on Star Wars ... Trek marathon?  
  
Jonathan: Excellent suggestion. We can start with BEST OF BOTH  
  
WORLDS and follow up with CHAIN OF COMMAND.  
  
Warren: No, no, no. When I say Trek, I mean the real deal. Bones,  
  
Spock, and a man's captain: James Tiberius Kirk. The original and the  
  
best.  
  
Jonathan: No way is Kirk the best captain! Picard is, like, a million  
  
times smarter. And he didn't violate the prime directive every other  
  
week.  
  
Warren: Pffft! Like the prime directive is something to be proud of  
  
maintaining. Being a Star Fleet captain isn't about negotiations and snotty  
  
British accents. It's about defeating Klingons and laying as many alien  
  
women as possible.  
  
Andrew: I like Captain Archer!  
  
[Warren and Jonathan look at Andrew for a moment, then Warren jumps on him  
  
and puts him in a headlock. They wrestle as Jonathan shakes his head, and  
  
then - to his great surprise - begins to sing.]  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
The greatest Captain was Picard  
  
His voice was great and his head was bald  
  
He faced the Borg, and even when  
  
They ever hereafter were heard of again  
  
They still were cool when he faced them  
  
The great Picard  
  
The greatest Captain of Starfleet.  
  
[Warren and Andrew have stopped fighting by this point and are staring at  
  
Jonathan in amazement. Warren then joins in.]  
  
WARREN:  
  
But Kirk scored chicks in space galore  
  
He never argued, always wore  
  
That phaser by which battles were saved  
  
A bluff or two, and the enemy caved  
  
Before him - James T. Kirk  
  
The greatest Captain of Starfleet  
  
ANDREW:  
  
Janeway wasn't bad, either -  
  
She had shiny hair ...  
  
JONATHAN AND WARREN:  
  
Shut up or beware!  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
His needs were few, his room was bare  
  
A gold fish bowl and a fancy chair  
  
A flute and books on archaeology  
  
An educated man was he  
  
Negotiations were his art  
  
Jean-Luc Picard  
  
The greatest Captain of Starfleet.  
  
WARREN:  
  
Torture-immune and cool he was,  
  
Kick-ass and clever and winning all wars.  
  
Kirk didn't talk, he was all action -  
  
JONATHAN [interrupting]:  
  
Picard pondered, and Picard planned  
  
Like an intelligent man, he planned.  
  
WARREN:  
  
James T. was smooth, James T. was subtle  
  
James T. would blink, and Klingons would scuttle.  
  
James T., James T., James T., James T., James T.  
  
ANDREW:  
  
You two don't mention Sisko; odd  
  
Because he did become a god.  
  
WARREN AND JONATHAN:  
  
Don't make us cry or rather yell!  
  
ANDREW:  
  
And Archer has a dog as well!  
  
WARREN:  
  
James T.!  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
Jean-Luc Picard!  
  
TOGETHER:  
  
The greatest Captain of Starfleet!  
  
[After the last note dies away, the Trio stand blinking at each other for a  
  
moment.]  
  
Warren: What the hell just happened?  
  
Andrew: Wicked! It worked!  
  
Jonathan: What worked?  
  
Andrew: [speaking at roughly twice the speed of normal conversation]  
  
This demon I was summoning. You remember how I went to LA last week to get  
  
supplies? Well, while I was there I got lost, but I found this really cool  
  
place with this anagogic demon - they can sense all kinds of stuff about  
  
people by hearing them sing - and anyway, he was totally awesome and gave me  
  
directions and a free drink with a little umbrella. So I came back here and  
  
found a spell to summon this demon lord, Mr. Sweet, who does the same type  
  
of thing - makes everyone reveal their true feelings in song. I've never  
  
tried anything that big before, and he didn't show, so I thought it just ...  
  
fizzled. I didn't say anything 'cause I didn't want to get your hopes up.  
  
And, uh, I sorta burned a hole in Warren's mom's lawn.  
  
Warren: And this demon ... what? Causes spontaneous outbreaks of  
  
musical theatre?  
  
Andrew: Cool, huh? I was thinking it might be hard for the Slayer to  
  
stop us doing stuff if she was, you know, tap-dancing. He's lord of his own  
  
realm, so I figure the whole town will be under his spell by now.  
  
Warren: So, while the Slayer is busy singing and dancing, we'll be  
  
... singing and dancing? Does that seem like a flaw in the plan to you?  
  
Because it sure looks like one to me!  
  
Andrew: Uh, well, I didn't think it would affect the summoner like  
  
that. I ... may have to do some more reading.  
  
Jonathan: You called this thing up and you hadn't finished doing the  
  
reading?! This isn't a chemistry test, idiot! You can't just skim the text  
  
book and hope you'll pass!  
  
Andrew: Don't freak out on me! I know what I'm doing, just let me  
  
check a couple of things. It's all in German, so I might have mistranslated  
  
something. Maybe pronounced a word wrong. No big deal.  
  
Jonathan: You flunked Spanish twice, but you're doing spells in  
  
German?  
  
Andrew: Spanish is a stupid language. It doesn't have any good  
  
incantations or -  
  
Warren: Alright, alright - knock it off. You go over it again.  
  
Jonathan and I will ... sit here and try not to burst into song.  
  
[A montage of Andrew flipping through pages and consulting his dictionary,  
  
while his companions slump in their chairs, looking simultaneously bored and  
  
tense.]  
  
Andrew: Uh-oh.  
  
Jonathan: Uh-oh? What do you mean uh-oh?  
  
Andrew: Well, there's ... bad news. And some other bad news. Turns  
  
out that this demon, um, likes to immolate people. You sing and dance too  
  
much, you catch fire. But I didn't know!  
  
Jonathan: You moron! What happens when Buffy finds out that you  
  
called it up?!  
  
Andrew: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I just didn't think -  
  
Warren: See, there's your problem: you don't think!  
  
ANDREW:  
  
I know how to summon stuff  
  
But I'm not smart enough  
  
I know that I'm a pain -  
  
But no magic or invention  
  
Would be beyond my comprehension  
  
If I only had a brain!  
  
I'd unravel every mystery  
  
In fiction and in history  
  
Then solve them all again.  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
I'm sure sooner or later  
  
You could even outwit Data  
  
If you only had a brain.  
  
ANDREW:  
  
Oh, I could tell you why  
  
Farscape ends with Season Four!  
  
Why they took Firefly off before ...  
  
And then I'd get them to make more!  
  
It would be kind of cool  
  
To understand each rule  
  
To be able to explain ...  
  
Then perhaps I'd deserve you,  
  
I just might be worthy of you,  
  
If I only had a brain!  
  
[Andrew realises that he directed the last few lines toward Warren, and is  
  
horrified. However, Warren has troubles of his own ...]  
  
WARREN:  
  
My mind's better than fantastic  
  
I make people out of plastic  
  
And yet I'm torn apart -  
  
Just because I'm assuming  
  
I could interact with humans  
  
If I only had a heart.  
  
I'd be charming, I'd be winning,  
  
I'd know how to talk to women -  
  
Get things right from the start.  
  
I'd understand attraction  
  
And might even get some action  
  
If I only had a heart.  
  
Picture me ... a balcony ...  
  
Above a voice sings low ...  
  
Disembodied Voice of Katrina: Wherefore art thou, Romeo?  
  
WARREN:  
  
Just like before ... I score!  
  
Just to comprehend emotion  
  
Command someone's devotion  
  
We'd never be apart ...  
  
I wouldn't be bereft  
  
Because she never would have left  
  
If I only had a heart!  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
It's clear to all who know me  
  
I was born to be a sissy  
  
With neither vim nor verve.  
  
If a warlock's brave enough he  
  
Might even get to hang with Buffy -  
  
If I only had the nerve!  
  
I could be an honest hero  
  
But instead I'm just a zero -  
  
The fate that I deserve.  
  
But I'd be brave as a Klingon -  
  
WARREN:  
  
I could pull more girls than Don Juan -  
  
ANDREW:  
  
I'd be cleverer than Avon -  
  
TOGETHER:  
  
And soon we'd give this town what it deserves!  
  
ANDREW:  
  
If I only had a brain!  
  
WARREN:  
  
A heart!  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
The nerve!  
  
Jonathan: Does anyone else feel like ... skipping?  
  
Warren: Please don't. I'm scarred for life as it is.  
  
Andrew: Besides, you might catch on fire. [beat] We reused a word  
  
there, which was kind of weak...  
  
Jonathan: It's not our fault that nothing good rhymes with  
  
nerve!  
  
Andrew: [counting on his fingers] Serve, curve, swerve, conserve,  
  
observe, preserve, reserve, unnerve ...  
  
Warren: Can we save this for later?! We need to get rid of this thing  
  
now before I start doing selections from West Side Story or we  
  
spontaneously combust. Andrew - how do you unsummon it?  
  
Andrew: That's the other bad news. There's no way to get rid of him  
  
until he decides to leave. And when the Lord of the Dance has had his fun  
  
he, um, comes to collect the one who summoned him.  
  
Jonathan: He's gonna kill you?  
  
Andrew: He's going to take me back to the underworld. To be his  
  
queen.  
  
[There's a long silence.]  
  
Warren: Well, I guess we could all live with that ...  
  
Andrew: Hey! No way! I'm not going back to some crummy underworld to  
  
marry a smelly demon! Do you know what those things are like? Many of them  
  
have corrosive ... fluids. It's disgusting!  
  
Jonathan: Also, you're a guy.  
  
Andrew: Er ... yeah. That could be a problem too.  
  
Warren: Do you have a better plan, demon master? Because I'm feeling  
  
the urge to hum the wedding march about now.  
  
Andrew: Well, there is something - apparently he doesn't have any  
  
magical knowledge regarding the ceremony used to call him. He tracks the  
  
summoner through this pendant. [Andrew takes the object in question out of  
  
his pocket.] It's shiny.  
  
[Warren paces up and down, clearly deep in thought.]  
  
Warren: OK. Not only do we need to get rid of that thing, we need to  
  
plant it on an alternate target. Throw the Slayer off our scent. Maybe we  
  
should look upon this as an opportunity instead of a crisis, gentlemen. She  
  
couldn't stop us taking over Sunnydale if she was busy making it with a  
  
demon, right?  
  
Jonathan: No way! We are not sending Buffy to the underworld  
  
to get married!  
  
Andrew: Well, there are other people in her gang, right? We could  
  
still use this to disrupt her. Maybe Willow, or Anya, or that other chick  
  
...  
  
Warren: Not too sure about that. We haven't done proper risk  
  
assessments on the witches or the ex-demon.  
  
Jonathan: Well, how about Xander? Xander's practically harmless.  
  
Warren: Oh, so how does that work? We walk up to him and say 'hi, Mr.  
  
Manly Construction Worker, would you like some free jewellery?'  
  
Jonathan: Well ... there's this spell. Full of rare ingredients, but  
  
I've been saving up stuff, sending away for things from the internet. It  
  
messes with people's memories - I was gonna use it to hypnotise Buffy, like  
  
we planned. But we could make Xander think that he summoned the  
  
demon. Then we hope that either it gets killed by Buffy or ... marries  
  
Xander, I guess.  
  
[Warren drapes an arm over Jonathan's shoulders.]  
  
Warren: I believe that we have a plan. Get your stuff together, and  
  
Andrew and I will dump the shiny thing at the Magic Box - they won't even  
  
notice it with all the other junk in there. Then we'll go look for Mr.  
  
Harris. You better be ready to work your mojo.  
  
Andrew: Um, that research did take a while, and it's pretty late. Not  
  
that far off dawn, actually. They'll be closed.  
  
Warren: Duh. All the better to drop it there without anyone seeing  
  
us. I can pick the lock, no problem.  
  
Jonathan: Uhuh. Bad plan - there's a magical alarm system on the  
  
door. I've checked it before.  
  
Warren: [irritated] Fine - we'll stake the place out and get in when  
  
they open up tomorrow morning.  
  
[Andrew leaves, and Warren follows him, then thinks of something and turns  
  
back for a moment.]  
  
Warren: Oh - and do something about my mom's lawn while you're at it.  
  
[Exit Warren, pursued by a glare.]  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
A guy's got his pride - hasn't he?  
  
Joking aside - hasn't he?  
  
And though I'd be first one to say that I'm no Luthor yet  
  
I'm finding it hard to put up with the treatment I get ...  
  
I'm reviewing the situation:  
  
Should I try to be a good guy even now?  
  
All I get is humiliation -  
  
There must be a better way than this somehow ...  
  
I could use my powers to do good  
  
Just like the Slayer always would  
  
She'd maybe let me join her crew  
  
And help her like the others do  
  
But then I'd screw up I've no doubt  
  
And soon enough they'd throw me out ...  
  
I think I'd better think it out again.  
  
I'd sure like to be somebody  
  
Who'll help me out? Nobody.  
  
My closest companions  
  
Are now supervillains and geeks  
  
Doesn't seem like the best time to start  
  
Turning over new leaves ...  
  
I'm reviewing the situation:  
  
I'm a villain and a villain I will stay  
  
You'll be seeing no transformation.  
  
But it's wrong to be a bad guy every way!  
  
I don't want somebody to get hurt -  
  
Unless it is their just desserts  
  
And if our cunning plan should fail  
  
I sure don't wanna go to jail  
  
I should be honest, loyal and true  
  
But that won't get me what I'm due  
  
There is no in between for me  
  
But who will change the scene for me?  
  
I think I'd better think it out again!  
  
***  
  
[The next morning. Sunlight in slanting through the windows of the Trio's  
  
van onto our sleeping protagonists. Warren blinks, yawns and wakes up to  
  
find Andrew dead to the world leaning against his shoulder.]  
  
Warren: Hey, wake up.  
  
[Andrew mumbles something and moves closer to Warren. Yes, he's cuddling.  
  
Warren shrugs, reaches over, and prods him in the ribs.]  
  
Warren: Red alert!  
  
Andrew: [jumping awake] Yikes! Don't do that!  
  
Warren: They're open now - you can go in.  
  
Andrew: I was dreaming about ... Christina Ricci. And my neck is all  
  
stiff. And why do I have to do it?  
  
Warren: Because they might recognise me - the Slayer's in there, and  
  
I was in the same class as most of her gang. We can't risk blowing our  
  
cover.  
  
Andrew: But I summoned monkeys to attack the school play - what if  
  
they saw me?!  
  
Warren: Nobody saw you, doofus. You were backstage. Now go and dump  
  
the bauble, and I'll wait here so we can make a speedy getaway.  
  
Andrew: [steeling himself in preparation] OK. I'm going in. If I'm  
  
not back in ten minutes er ... [losing his resolve] Come and rescue me?  
  
Please?  
  
Warren: Just go!  
  
[Chagrined, Andrew gets out and heads for the Magic Box.]  
  
Warren: How am I ever meant to take over Sunnydale if I can't find  
  
decent followers? I bet Dr. Doom's minions never drooled on him ...  
  
[Sighing, he closes his eyes and leans forward onto the steering wheel. When  
  
he opens them again, he's standing in a dark room, and by the magic of ...  
  
er, magic ... is suddenly much better dressed. After a moment of surprise,  
  
he seems pleased.]  
  
WARREN:  
  
The name on everybody's lips  
  
Is gonna be - Warren!  
  
The cool guy raking in the chips  
  
Is gonna be - Warren!  
  
I'm gonna be a supervillain,  
  
That means somebody everyone knows:  
  
They're gonna imitate my flair,  
  
My 'bots, my rays, my lair, my clothes!  
  
From just some loser college guy  
  
I'm gonna be - Warren!  
  
Who says the Slayer has no fears?  
  
She'll learn she should have never messed  
  
With someone who is unimpressed:  
  
Warren Meers!  
  
[Addressing April and the Buffybot who have been briefly resurrected for the  
  
dream sequence.]  
  
Girls!  
  
THE 'BOTS:  
  
Those vamps will wait outside in line to get to see -  
  
WARREN:  
  
Warren!  
  
And to Katrina I will write just  
  
Good luck to ya -  
  
'BOTS:  
  
Warren!  
  
WARREN:  
  
And George Lucas himself  
  
Will ask for the man  
  
To design Episode III!  
  
'BOTS:  
  
Storyboard,  
  
CGI,  
  
Casting and the script, oh my!  
  
WARREN:  
  
All will be completely left to me.  
  
[spoken]  
  
Mmmm, I'm a villain!  
  
And Sunnydale fears me!  
  
And I so rule -  
  
And they fear me for ruling them,  
  
And I love them for fearing me,  
  
And we just dig each other,  
  
And that's because none of us  
  
Ever got far enough away from the Hellmouth.  
  
And that's Sunnydale -  
  
Kid.  
  
'BOTS:  
  
He's given up his humdrum life  
  
WARREN:  
  
I'm gonna be - sing it -  
  
'BOTS:  
  
Warren!  
  
He drops cool gadgets and not tears ...  
  
WARREN:  
  
And Buffy and her cronies, well,  
  
Will see who's boss in Sunnyhell -  
  
Warren Meers!  
  
'BOTS:  
  
Warren -  
  
Warren -  
  
Warren -  
  
Warren -  
  
War-ren ...  
  
Warren -  
  
Warren -  
  
[Abruptly, Warren finds himself back in the van. He smiles to himself.]  
  
Warren: Heh. Cool. That was actually kind of fun ...  
  
[Andrew opens the door to the van and tumbles inside, and Warren instantly  
  
snaps from cheerful to annoyed.]  
  
Warren: What the hell took you so long?  
  
Andrew: Nothing - I mean, I dumped the pendant fine, but Buffy and  
  
her gang were in there singing about doing research. Then they told me to  
  
get out because they were closed, even though the sign said 'open'. But they  
  
hardly noticed me, I swear! [beat] They have very pretty voices ...  
  
Warren: Whatever. We need to swing by the lair and pick up Jonathan.  
  
Andrew: Oooo, can we get breakfast first? Going on dangerous missions  
  
makes me hungry.  
  
Warren: Breathing makes you hungry ...  
  
***  
  
[Outside the donut shop, the next day. The Trio are perched on a park bench,  
  
munching on donuts and sipping drinks.]  
  
Andrew: What is the purple stuff in these things, anyway? Do you  
  
think they make it out of actual grapes, or is it all weird alien chemicle  
  
goop ...?  
  
Warren: This is a total waste of time. He's never coming.  
  
Jonathan: We tailed him your way all day yesterday, and what  
  
happened? We never got him alone. And if I never see a bridal shop again,  
  
it'll be too soon. Trust me, I've known Alexander Harris since we started  
  
grade school together, and these [he brandishes his half-eaten donut] are  
  
his Kryptonite. This is the best way to separate him from the others. Then,  
  
we surround him, sprinkle this on him, [with his free hand he reaches for a  
  
bag of magic powder] and he'll believe whatever we say.  
  
Warren: What, you're not going to point your magic bone at him?  
  
[Andrew and Warren find this amusing to the point where Andrew chokes on his  
  
milkshake.]  
  
Jonathan: When are you guys going to let that go?  
  
Warren: When it stops being funny. So ... probably never.  
  
[Xander emerges from the donut shop, while Jonathan and Warren are still  
  
talking. Andrew's eyes idly run over everyone's favourite construction  
  
worker for several moments as Xander begins walking away.]  
  
Andrew: [Suddenly realising exactly who he's checking out] Oooo!  
  
Guys! There he is!  
  
Warren: Frell! That was close ...  
  
Jonathan: Quick!  
  
[Xander notices the noise and odd behaviour.]  
  
XANDER:  
  
Why did they look at me that way?  
  
WARREN [to Andrew, curious]:  
  
Why did you look at him that way?  
  
XANDER [shrugging]:  
  
Must be my imagination!  
  
[The group rushes after Xander and stands around him in a circle, much to  
  
Xander's bemusement. Jonathan throws a handful of powder at Xander, who  
  
drops the box of donuts he was carrying.]  
  
JONATHAN [starting the spell]:  
  
Xander Harris, you're a zero,  
  
You're just like us ...  
  
XANDER:  
  
Impossible!  
  
WARREN:  
  
You're a loser, not a hero;  
  
Don't make a fuss!  
  
XANDER:  
  
Impossible!  
  
ANDREW [to himself]:  
  
Though he does have a nice chest ...  
  
XANDER:  
  
This must be some kind of test ...  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
You're an average boy at best ...  
  
ANDREW:  
  
Poor old fellow ...  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
Look, we're on a kind of quest -  
  
XANDER [not yet under]:  
  
Which you should forget - impassable!  
  
WARREN:  
  
So, before you get a wife  
  
You imagined her - irascible!  
  
ANDREW [finally getting in on the act]:  
  
Romping through the library,  
  
You did summon ...  
  
XANDER:  
  
Will you jokers let me be?  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
Harris, just give in to me!  
  
XANDER:  
  
What?  
  
Impossible!  
  
WARREN [to Jonathan]:  
  
Why does it take so long this way?  
  
JONATHAN [replying]:  
  
Look, it just has to be this way!  
  
XANDER:  
  
I demand an explanation!  
  
WARREN [glaring at Jonathan]:  
  
Women often want some music,  
  
You summoned Sweet - it's possible!  
  
JONATHAN [making a renewed effort with the magic]:  
  
You only want a happy ending,  
  
So summoned Sweet - it's possible!  
  
ANDREW [proudly]:  
  
That really took some demon lore!  
  
XANDER [struggling, but showing signs of influence at last]:  
  
... will not take this anymore ...  
  
WARREN [to Jonathan]:  
  
Sparky, you do finally score!  
  
ANDREW [to Jonathan]:  
  
It's working - nifty!  
  
XANDER [getting caught up in the spell, but still arguing with his  
  
internal logic]:  
  
Then again, I'm not my father,  
  
I ought to trust - impossible!  
  
WARREN:  
  
Then again, you're such a lapdog,  
  
Which makes it just - so possible.  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
Without Sweet, you're ill-at-ease ...  
  
XANDER:  
  
I don't feel well ...  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
So you summoned him, and please ...  
  
[Jonathan pulls out some more powder and throws it in Xander's face.]  
  
JONATHAN [continued]:  
  
Just forget about us ...  
  
XANDER:  
  
Sneeze!  
  
[He does so, while the Trio hastily withdraws into hiding behind a  
  
convenient fence. Xander shakes his head, looks left and right, tries to  
  
think. Then, as if something finally dawns on him ...]  
  
XANDER:  
  
The situation's fraught,  
  
Fraughter than I thought,  
  
With horrible,  
  
Impossible,  
  
Possibilities!  
  
[The Trio put their heads up over the fence, cautiously, and watch in  
  
silence as Xander walks away looking confused.]  
  
Andrew: Holy hypnotism, Batman!  
  
Jonathan: I actually pulled it off!  
  
[There's much back-slapping, high-fiving, and general jubilation.]  
  
Andrew: [Noticing what Xander dropped.] And hey, we scored free  
  
donuts! Bonus!  
  
***  
  
[The lair, late that night, as the Trio return to home base.]  
  
Andrew: .... so I guess Sweet wouldn't have wanted to marry me after  
  
all - I mean, since he let Xander go.  
  
Warren: Well, maybe he prefers blonds - you might have had a lucky  
  
escape. Unless you can see yourself as queen of the underworld, of course.  
  
Andrew: [slightly panicked] No! I mean, of course not ...  
  
Jonathan: Awww, man! I still can't believe Buffy was kissing  
  
Spike.  
  
Andrew: Well, he is pretty cool ... or, uh, so I've heard.  
  
Jonathan: Yeah - tall, blond and handsome.  
  
Warren: He's only tall when compared to you, just like everyone else  
  
on the planet.  
  
Jonathan: And I wasted that hypnosis spell on Xander Harris!  
  
Warren: It's not like you could have used it on the Slayer anyway. It  
  
took forever - she'd have tossed you half way down the street before you  
  
even started to put her under. If we're going to get her or anyone else  
  
under our control, we'll have to find a faster way. Anyway, you should be  
  
happy. We triumphed and got away scot-free.  
  
Jonathan: Actually, I think you'll find that I triumphed.  
  
Andrew screwed up and then redeemed himself by dumping the pendant on the  
  
Slayer's sister, and I saved our collective asses with magic. What did  
  
you do, exactly, apart from sing a few songs and eat more than your  
  
fair share of the donuts?  
  
Warren: [taken aback] Uh, well ... I drove the van. [Warming up] And  
  
kept my head when you two were panicking worse than Ferengi with no sales.  
  
Clearly, someone around here has to. Not to mention designing all that  
  
surveillance equipment that let us make sure everything turned out  
  
for the best. Besides, you made my mom's lawn fluorescent.  
  
Jonathan: It's not fluorescent! It's just ... bright.  
  
Warren: The important thing is that we came through this together, as  
  
a team. From now on, that's how we do things. We check with the group  
  
before we put a plan into action.  
  
Andrew: I still think it was a cool idea ... if there was just a way  
  
to contain it somehow ...  
  
Jonathan: You don't seriously believe that? Not only did we almost  
  
get caught, people got crispy-fried!  
  
Andrew: That wasn't my fault! And, I-I promise that nothing like this  
  
will ever happen again. Well, not because of something I do. Stuff like that  
  
just happens in Sunnydale.  
  
Jonathan: Well ... that's a fair point, I guess. Sometimes I think  
  
that around here demons appear and kill you if you blink the wrong way. I've  
  
lost count of the number of times I've almost been eaten, possessed, shot.  
  
It's like the Hellmouth has it in for me.  
  
Andrew: It's not like the past couple of days were any weirder than  
  
that time everyone lost their voices. Or that Halloween when that cool  
  
English guy rented me the Jedi costume and -  
  
Jonathan: [cutting him off] Yeah, we know. You felt the true power of  
  
the Force. You've only told us the story about a trillion times.  
  
Andrew: You're just jealous because your mom sewed your costume and  
  
you spent the whole night hiding from crazy transmogrified people instead of  
  
doing something fun.  
  
Warren: You know, I used to live somewhere where people knew that  
  
enchanted Halloween costumes and demons and spontaneous singing and dancing  
  
were abnormal. I hate this stupid freaky town!  
  
Andrew: But you still wanna rule it, right?  
  
Warren: Only so I can pave it over and build something decent. Like a  
  
good comicbook store, or a movie studio, or a theme park. Or maybe all  
  
three.  
  
Jonathan: That might be an improvement ...  
  
Andrew: Aw, come on - this is the perfect place to summon demons.  
  
Would you really want to live somewhere that didn't have magic around every  
  
corner? I just, uh, think it's kinda cool.  
  
Jonathan: I don't think I'd go that far.  
  
ANDREW:  
  
Sunnydale ...  
  
You lovely city ...  
  
City of magic and mystery ...  
  
Always the energy flowing ...  
  
And almost nobody knowing ...  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
Sunnydale ...  
  
You ugly city ...  
  
City of demonic history ...  
  
Always the reaper mowing ...  
  
Always the body-count growing ...  
  
And the whole place blowing ...  
  
And the victims crying  
  
And the people dying.  
  
WARREN:  
  
I'd like to tear the whole place down!  
  
Wish it would sink into the ground!  
  
TOGETHER:  
  
Vampires feed here in Sunnydale!  
  
Demons will breed here in Sunnydale!  
  
They do dark deeds here in Sunnydale!  
  
Everyone bleeds here in Sunnydale!  
  
ANDREW:  
  
Next time I won't make us all sing ...  
  
WARREN:  
  
Next time please read through the whole thing!  
  
ANDREW:  
  
I can do better there's no doubt ...  
  
WARREN:  
  
You better do better or you're out!  
  
TOGETHER:  
  
Monsters are real here in Sunnydale  
  
You're their next meal here in Sunnydale!  
  
Grimoires appeal here in Sunnydale  
  
Not a big deal here in Sunnydale!  
  
ANDREW:  
  
Plenty of creatures to summon ...  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
I know a place you can find one ...  
  
ANDREW:  
  
Dozens of species to call down ...  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
Seventeen graveyards in one town!  
  
TOGETHER:  
  
You shouldn't come here to Sunnydale  
  
They breed them dumb here in Sunnydale  
  
Nobody knows here in Sunnydale  
  
Hell's right below here in Sunnydale!  
  
ANDREW:  
  
Some day I'll find the right demon ...  
  
WARREN:  
  
When will you shut up and move on?  
  
ANDREW:  
  
Everyone here will be so cursed!  
  
WARREN:  
  
Everyone here will be dead first!  
  
TOGETHER:  
  
Freedom is yours here in Sunnydale  
  
Break all the laws here in Sunnydale  
  
Crosses on doors here in Sunnydale  
  
Bodies on floors here in Sunnydale!  
  
ANDREW:  
  
One day when we control everyone ...  
  
JONATHAN:  
  
One day when we get to have fun ...  
  
ANDREW:  
  
We will have everything they've got!  
  
WARREN:  
  
What have they got here that's worth squat?  
  
TOGETHER:  
  
Vampires feed here in Sunnydale!  
  
Demons will breed here in Sunnydale!  
  
They do dark deeds here in Sunnydale!  
  
Everyone bleeds here in Sunnydale!  
  
THE END  
  
End Credits:  
  
There was probably dancing involved at some point in the above sequence of  
  
events, but writing about dancing is like dancing about architecture. Feel  
  
free to use your imagination :-).  
  
I'm assuming that when Jonathan said during Two To Go that he'd known  
  
Willow 'almost as long as you guys' he meant 'almost as long as Xander' and  
  
not 'almost as long as Buffy'. There is, after all, a vast difference  
  
between the two.  
  
Thanks are due to Gehayi for providing a good explanation of what gave  
  
Andrew the inspiration for summoning Sweet in the first place. Not to  
  
mention more words that rhyme with nerve than I ever believed existed, even  
  
though none of them ended up in the song. I dare say there's potential for a  
  
prequel here about Andrew's meeting with Lorne, but I won't be the one  
  
writing it ...  
  
Andrew's incantation is from Goethe's Faust. If you're curious,  
  
either author will send you the translation.  
  
My Favourite Things is from The Sound of Music and was written  
  
by Richard Rogers. Original lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein, new lyrics by  
  
Andraste.  
  
The Ballard of the Starfleet Captains is based on The Ballard of  
  
Sweeny Todd from Sweeny Todd. Music and original lyrics Stephen  
  
Sondheim, new lyrics by Selena.  
  
If I Only Had a/the Brain/Heart/Nerve is from The Wizard of Oz  
  
and was written by Harold Arlen, original lyrics by E.Y. Harburg. New lyrics  
  
by Andraste.  
  
Reviewing the Situation is out of Oliver! by Lionel Bart, new  
  
lyrics by Andraste.  
  
Warren! is based on Roxie from Chicago. Music by John  
  
Kander, original lyrics by Fred Ebb, new lyrics by Selena.  
  
Impossible is from A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the  
  
Forum by Stephen Sondheim. New lyrics by Selena.  
  
Sunnydale is based on America from West Side Story,  
  
music by Leonard Bernstein, original lyrics by Stephen Sondheim (yes, there  
  
is a pattern there.) New lyrics by Andraste, with due credit to Selena for  
  
suggesting the song.  
  
***** 


End file.
